| Communication is not as simple as choosing the right words; many factors come into play, and we often find ourselves able to communicate smoothly in one situation while we bumble our way through another. The fact is that whether you are happy with your present communication skills, there is always room for some improvement. Here are some useful strategies for understanding and being understood. Being understood (communicating) Alert your listener to your objective. Tell them what the point of the conversation is right from the get-go to avoid any miscommunication or confusion. Make your messages complete and specific. Get to the point (but in a polite way, of course). Don't launch into a 10-minute discussion of the financial difficulties the company is facing, for example, if the purpose of your meeting was to discuss a new project. Actually tell in exact terms what you want/need from that person and why. There is no need to be subtle - although this doesn't mean you should be overly aggressive or blunt. It's possible to be courteous and direct. Use "I" phrases. Instead of saying "You frustrate me when you show up late for our meetings," for example, send the message from YOUR point of view; "I feel frustrated when you're late because we miss out on some productive time. What can we do about the situation?" Essentially, say how you feel, why, and ask the other person a question that leaves the ball in their court (not an accusatory question, however. That will only put them on the defensive.) Check for understanding. If you continue rambling on while you had lost the listener after the first sentence, you're wasting their time and your own. Check regularly for understanding before continuing. Explain things using the listener's frame of reference. Don't assume they know all the details of what you're talking about, and try to explain it from a perspective they can relate to. Ask for feedback on how you're communicating. You can do this as part of the actual process, by, for example, asking questions like "Does what I'm saying make sense?" or "Should I be more specific?". You can also ask people you communicate with on a regular basis for specific feedback on everything from your body language to the pace at which you share information. Be natural. Although some of these tips may not feel natural, if you practice them they will eventually become part of your skill set. Be yourself. Be honest and straightforward. The other person will sense any sneaky behavior and instinctively draw away from you. Say what you mean. Criticize productively. First, don't neglect the positive. For every critical comment, try to provide at least one positive one. Be specific about what is bugging you. As much as possible, present errors as an opportunity to learn. Be brief and don't rub it in. Focus on the recommendations for the future, rather than exploring in excruciating detail what went wrong, who's fault it was, and why. Don't be afraid to be assertive. This means making steady eye contact, listening actively, showing respect for the other person AND for yourself. Aggressive behavior, on the other hand, will get you nowhere. Think before you speak. Is what you are about to say worth communicating? Will it be productive? Do you know how to say it? What is the best way to say it? Blurting out the first thing that jumps into your head might result in talking about something that has little or no direct bearing on the issue at hand. Encourage the other person to speak. Show that you want to hear what s/he has to say! Ask questions, let them speak, and be respectful of their opinion - whether or not you agree with it. Be prepared. Knowing what you want to say and how you will say it before approaching the other person will make things go a lot more smoothly. Practice in everyday situations. Pay attention to the way you communicate in different situations, and try out different skills when the opportunity arises. Consider videotaping yourself. If you'd really like to pinpoint some of you bad habits (we all have them!), set up a camera and film yourself communicating...then watch it with a critical eye. How is your voice, your facial expressions, your body language, the words you choose? Understanding (active listening) Listen with purpose. If the communicator has not established the objective of the conversation, try to establish it as soon as possible. If you know what you should gain, you will be able to listen more productively. Listen for understanding, not evaluation. Focus on understanding what the speaker is trying to communicate and shut off your internal judge. Ask open-ended questions. A simple "yes" or "no" question does not encourage a response with much information. Consider the difference between "Do you like the report?" and "What are your comments on the report?". Show interest in what the other person is saying. If you look bored, preoccupied or annoyed, you will shut down the flow of communication. This doesn't mean you should fake interest, but at least give them a chance from the beginning. Don't evaluate or interpret other people's messages. Take what they say for exactly what it is. For example, "I have some concerns about your performance" does not mean "I am going to fire you". Stay focused on what they are saying, not how you interpret it. Empathize. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. What seems completely unreasonable from your point of view might make perfect sense from his/her perspective. Perhaps the ideal solution lies in the middle. Try and keep some distance from the issue and be objective. Paraphrase what was just said. Repeat back to the person, in a condensed form, the core of what they have said. This not only shows that you are actively listening, but also clears up any possible miscommunication. Don't listen to only the speaker's words. Also pay attention to body language - if the person is telling you they are not nervous about something, for example, but the way they are acting physically shows that they are, you may want to further investigate the issue. (Don't accuse them of anything; just ask more questions!) Use eye contact and body language to indicate that you are interested and engaged in the conversation. Face the person you are speaking with, for example, and maintain eye contact. If you're fiddling with something or slumping in your chair, you're sending the message that what they have to say is not important. Give feedback. Note the points that you agree with, paraphrase what s/he says, and check with her/him that your perception is accurate. Try to understand the feelings behind the words. Using "I" phrases, state your interpretation of how the person is feeling. (For example, "If I understand you correctly, I think you may be somewhat angry at the manager for the way you have been treated.") Be very careful, however, not to make big leaps or put words in anyone's mouth. Ask focused questions. If you really want to know something, don't beat around the bush. (As long as, of course, it's not highly personal or delicate information. Decide first if you actually have the right to know that information.) Restate the conclusions. At the end of a conversation, summarize quickly what the main conclusion was, to be sure you both understood the same thing. Body Talk Rid yourself of distracting mannerisms. Habits such as finger-tapping, lip biting or licking, fiddling with coins or jewelry, adjusting hair or clothing and staring off into space can be serious communication blocks. Pinpoint what your habits are and focus on eliminating them. Eye contact. Maintaining eye contact with either your audience or the person speaking is essential; it shows you are interested, makes communication a two-way street and keeps others actively engaged. Be aware of facial expressions. They reveal a lot about you - try to make yours consistent with how you are feeling/what you are thinking. Pay attention to proximity. The physical distance that separates you from the other person is important. If you are far away or standing behind a desk, you are sending the message that you are inaccessible and unapproachable-this keeps things rigid and formal. Standing too close, however, will make the person feel uncomfortable. General No-no's Avoid interruptions. Plan a time and place for conversations where you will be interrupted as little as possible (shut off the phone if necessary, or close your door.) Don't interrupt. Just as you need the chance to express your views, the other party equally deserves that chance. Interrupting them will stop the flow of the conversation and likely leave them frustrated. Don't focus on being "right". If your goal is to "win", you are not truly communicating. In general, avoid sarcasm. If the other party feels attacked they will likely go on the defensive, and you'll have a battle instead of true communication. Avoid generalizations. Saying things like "you always" or "you never" will not open the door to open communication or improvement, Talk about the specific issue at hand. (For example: "Today, I felt frustrated when you didn't want to hear my ideas because I think I have something valuable to contribute.") |
| How to Build and Practice Communication Skills |
 |
| Anne P. Sharp |
| Anne P. Sharp Los Angeles CA, USA Telephone (310) 600-9247 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |